Blinders : Hindsight

People live with so many secrets and so much shame it can cause them to feel alone and unwanted. Like this world is a horrible place for many. We will never understand everything about each other. One thing i will continue to do is try my best to research things i dont completely understand.

i’ve learned a lot of things about people by observation. I see how they interact with the people who agree with them and also those who challenge their way of thinking. It’s interesting. One thing God has gave us is the gift of thinking for ourselves. I feel really bad when I see other people play themselves but i stay neutral cause we know how shit backfires on the person who was just trying to help.

I was sitting there looking at pictures that one of my half siblings posted about our dad. She described him as this superman. He was the best at this and that and so on and so forth. One thing i really wish this man did was spread that love to me and my sister. I can never see him as she does. I respect that she is just going by what she was raised by. On the other hand wouldn’t you wonder what your older siblings did to not get the same love and attention. Didnt they need the same thing you got? I  guess ill never know since she hasnt reached out. She is now a mother herself and she will hopefully never experience anything i have had to go through.

That issue with my dad will rest in the arms of the creator unless he approaches me to discuss it. Doesn’t do me any good to hold on to those questions. I’m 40 and half my life is over. I will have 2 adult children next year. They know their dads. They know i did my best to stay cordial with both of them. Never kept them away and never caused any trouble. I learned that from my mother. Never interfere in those relationships…so i know she didn’t keep us from him. He wasn’t interested. I judge people by their actions.

I just couldn’t keep that thought from my head today. How could you not want to know more? They dont reach out and they don’t acknowledge we are kin. It’s laughable. One day she may need her big sister… who knows. I won’t hold my breath. Wish it wasnt so many broken ties on both sides of my family but oh well. I see it for what it is… blinders off.

Thanks for reading and dont forget to like or comment. I would love to hear your views.

Budda

Acts of love

Love is a fickle thing… I’m not just talking about between a man & woman. See we humans tend to think the execution of love is just physical. No it’s beyond that.

Unconditional love

Now when you are a baby your parents gave you unconditional love. You were small, innocent and could do no wrong. That’s  the love God intended to happen when he blesses you to carry one of his children. Oh yes, we are all God’s children. You grow into a young man or woman and you tend to try your parents love (and nerves) and always remember the things you do will never dilute that love.

Puppy Love

You get in your teens and hormones start to get worked up and you discover puppy love. Now some depending on their level of maturity tend to dive into another love before they should and have to reap what they sow (teen pregnancy, STD’s). Some it’s just a little crush on a schoolmate. That’s that innocent kinda of love.

Sexual Healing

So this kind of love comes out of growing into your own. People move past the puppy love when they hit the adult age and start to experience that love that only gets satisfied by sex. Some folk don’t desire a title or attachment they just want to get their feet wet. This is usually from those who may have experienced heart-break early and just don’t want to be in a relationship. Some it’s out of convenience.

Tainted love

This love is the love that shouldn’t be. This is that shared loved. When a man or woman choses to have a relationship with someone who is already involved in another situation. It’s tainted because someone will be hurt at the end of this story. It’s a kind of love that will cause feelings to be misread and ultimately people’s lives torn apart.

Lustful love 

This the love I want to define as when you are lusting after someone who has shown they don’t have good intentions for you. This person will play on the love you have for them to get what they want. Whether its sex, money, a place to stay, and so on and so forth. Again one of the people involved knows they don’t love that person. Just what they do for them.

Goodbye love 

This love is the one that grabs me. When you know the relationship is going nowhere. The love is there but everything else doesn’t line up correctly. Two people in love going in two different directions and won’t let go. You hang on just a little while longer hoping things can be pieced together. You can feel the love but this love may have been a reason, season, or lesson kind of love. It’s that I will always love you but spread your wings kind of love. If it’s meant to be it will.

Deceptive love

This one is personal to me. I call it deceptive love because the love is there, the mutual respect and quality time is put in but one of the parties is double dipping. The party is doing something on the side and decides I don’t want to choose right now so I’m going to keep them both (without them knowing). Then you slowly detach away from one of the parties by causing friction out of nowhere. Poof you disappear. No call no return text just gone. The deceived party just happens on a picture of the deceiver… getting married ( Vesta Williams song type shit). Your love was mishandled with deception. Causes the person to question why not me? Truth is, you are not responsible for that person’s deception. They are. They will reap what they sowed.

last one…

Forever Love

That love that has been through any and every up and down and still remains rock solid. That impenetrable love. Fuss, fight, lose, win never shakes loose. This love is covered in God. These persons know what they have with each other and how bad it would feel to be without. It stands the test of time day in and out and these people show each other love without limitations and judgement. This love grows old together. Raises children or pets together. Make decisions together. To me that’s a forever love.

 

Thank you for reading my thoughts….

one love,

Budda

Credit 

Sometimes i feel as though when people are used to you being a stand up person they forget to say thank you. They neglect to remember once upon a time they needed something and you didnt blink you just looked out for them. I never do anything for applause but i would be lying if i didnt say I didn’t eat sime type of acknowledgement.  That goes for my family,  friends, my children, their father’s…

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Credit 

Sometimes i feel as though when people are used to you being a stand up person they forget to say thank you. They neglect to remember once upon a time they needed something and you didnt blink you just looked out for them. I never do anything for applause but i would be lying if i didnt say I didn’t eat sime type of acknowledgement.  That goes for my family,  friends, my children, their father’s and even my job. I feel shorted. 

I feel like not pouring out another favor. I feel like ignoring phone calls.  I feel like shrugging my shoulders and walking away. Unfortunately my conscience would worry me to death. My heart won’t let me watch people struggle. 

I’m sure some folks can relate to being taken for granted and even taken tonthe bank. My advice to you (and me) save something for you. It’s okay to say no or i dont have it. Don’t apologize and don’t let anyone clown you for how you feel. 
Thanks for reading .

No happy holiday’s.. Dear mama

I wrote the post below in my women’s group but this transparent moment needs a bigger platform. Please note I am a mother but it’s so hard to celebrate the day without my mom being alive. It’s been some time but it doesn’t get easier. Read and comment below if you can relate.

20130906_200940

i’m one of the folks who can look at a picture and remember exactly where i was and what state i was in. This picture was snapped by my daughter while we were at the hospice visiting my mother who at this point was in full transition. She wasn’t talking anymore, she wasn’t eating. She made eye contact from time to time and came too at the craziest moments. It was my turn to spend the night with her (we rotated). I just wanted to tell her something that I was going through at the time but how dare i do that to her when she is dying. I told her I wish I did more… She said “you have done everything i have ever asked you to do and i’m proud of you, now take care of you” I swear she never said another word and I had to tell her thank you for being my mom. I stood out there by the water and just asked God to take her pain away…My mother died 9/12/13 at 56. She was a very strong woman. To see her helpless and defeated did something to me. I try to make sure my kids don’t witness that from me. It’s very hard. I have my issues and ailments but I just keep on going like my mom did. See this thing called cancer snatched the wind from her not all the other shit like divorce, single parenting, homelessness, domestic violence, and so on. Yet her presence is felt because she left her mark on everyone she touched.

i know this is long winded but it was on my heart. Even with the tears streaming down my face I don’t look for pity, I just want those who still have a mom on this Earth to know this has to be the hardest hurdle i’ve had to deal with. My hero is not here. My confidant is not here physically. She is always near to my heart and my thoughts. Cherish your mom and yourself. Blessings.

 

No Happy Mother’s Day without her…

I wrote the post below in my women’s group but this transparent moment needs a bigger platform. Please note I am a mother but it’s so hard to celebrate the day without my mom being alive. It’s been some time but it doesn’t get easier. Read and comment below if you can relate.

20130906_200940

i’m one of the folks who can look at a picture and remember exactly where i was and what state i was in. This picture was snapped by my daughter while we were at the hospice visiting my mother who at this point was in full transition. She wasn’t talking anymore, she wasn’t eating. She made eye contact from time to time and came too at the craziest moments. It was my turn to spend the night with her (we rotated). I just wanted to tell her something that I was going through at the time but how dare i do that to her when she is dying. I told her I wish I did more… She said “you have done everything i have ever asked you to do and i’m proud of you, now take care of you” I swear she never said another word and I had to tell her thank you for being my mom. I stood out there by the water and just asked God to take her pain away…My mother died 9/12/13 at 56. She was a very strong woman. To see her helpless and defeated did something to me. I try to make sure my kids don’t witness that from me. It’s very hard. I have my issues and ailments but I just keep on going like my mom did. See this thing called cancer snatched the wind from her not all the other shit like divorce, single parenting, homelessness, domestic violence, and so on. Yet her presence is felt because she left her mark on everyone she touched.

i know this is long winded but it was on my heart. Even with the tears streaming down my face I don’t look for pity, I just want those who still have a mom on this Earth to know this has to be the hardest hurdle i’ve had to deal with. My hero is not here. My confidant is not here physically. She is always near to my heart and my thoughts. Cherish your mom and yourself. Blessings.

I’m ashamed of me… oh Tyrese

I’m ashamed of me… oh Tyrese

Now I was gonna leave this alone but I guess Tyres has made it hard for people to ignore him. #Lately he has said and shown that he lacks respect for the people “mostly brown skin women” now that he has found fame and a new wife. See Tyrese is that dark-skinned fella nobody knew until he was on that bus singing for a can/bottle of Coca Cola see here: Always Coca Cola in his teenage years. Now he…

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I’m ashamed of me… oh Tyrese

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Now I was gonna leave this alone but I guess Tyrese has made it hard for people to ignore him. #Lately he has said and shown that he lacks respect for the people “mostly brown skin women” now that he has found fame and a new wife. See Tyrese is that dark-skinned fella nobody knew until he was on that bus singing for a can/bottle of Coca Cola see here: Always Coca Cola in his teenage years. Now he is a cast member of an incredibly successful franchise of Fast & Furious, with a few movies under his belt. He also has a few hits that people have grown to love, including myself. He has made it out the ghetto.

Now I am not a super fan of Tyrese, meaning I won’t go out my way to see him in concert. I will however purchase music as I have with the majority of his releases (minus the mixtapes ). I was excited about R&B music when i saw him, Tank, Anthony Hamilton all releasing new music around 2015-2016 but since then i have issues with this man.

First I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to be writing a book about relationships when he was in the midst of a divorce from his first wife and custody battle. That young lady wasn’t a “sister” either but I digress. She doesn’t have to be as long as they love each other. My issue with the commentary Tyrese is going around saying at each interview is that he makes no sense and he constantly contradicts the statement he previously made. Do you love yourself? Do you love your money? do you love the attention? Are you truly happy with your choices sir?

It’s like his ego has taken over and Tyrese Gibson has left the building. Money does not come with class and self-love. That has to be there already. The more he brags about what he has the more I don’t like him. I wish his mother would just grab hold of his lips and tell him to shut up. On a recent interview on Breakfast Club they asked him a question about TGT and the status of them making another album. He basically confirmed it won’t happen because he wants a bigger piece of the pot. My opinion is there are 3 stars in that group. Tank, Ginuwine, and Tyrese and quite honestly the other two have more relevant music and voices. I like to hear passion in the music I hear… I don’t feel that with Tyrese. It was said once upon a time he looked up to G. I guess he forgot all that.

So to get back to the most recent disrespect of women this is what he said:Tyrese-Lacefront-2-300x631.png

Look I don’t wear lacefronts  but I also don’t look down on those who do. My question is if you are so damn happy with your wife why the hell do you care?  You are not lending any advice, you are criticizing and purposely making light of her imperfections about something that has nothing to do with you. Most of the people you may be referring to are the same folks who spent their money on your concerts and cd’s. I have a feeling the ladies he was referring paid him no attention and continued on with their “girl session”. Yes we do that. Then he continues and rants about sluts, ho’s, skeezers and promiscuous women and the need to save yourself for your husband. Yeah okay. I guess that 60 day celibacy your wife made you commit to had you in your feelings? Umm hmm.

Maybe he should have invited the ladies to a nice makeover and gave them a few words of “wisdom” cause this post made him look like a total asshole. I don’t understand how he thought his was advice. It was a bashing session. I thought for a brief second he was hacked til he spoke up. I need Rev Run to lay hands on the dude.

rev-runs-around-the-world

All in all I made a choice to unfollow Tyrese on all my social media so I don’t have to see the nonsense he is putting out. Once the FF franchize starts to dry up and he has to start back making music he will apologize. I say press on and start thinking before you speak. Your daughter will read the stuff you think is gospel one day and think her father his a crazy fool. Until then good luck finding a few bald head, skinny, and deaf folks to sprinkle your negativity on. Shame on you Tyrese.

to have a grudge or start one with another person.

So i just wanted to add my opinion on this rap beef between these two queens.Its so many people who really truly have no idea what hip hop is really based on. In my 40 years I’ve seen the rise and fall of hip hop so much that i’ve stopped listening to anything but 80’s-maybe late 90’s rap music.

Back when I was younger we were not allowed to listen to any music that couldn’t be played on the radio. So we missed it unless we were somewhere else outside the house or the D boys was driving past bumping it. I come from a time when if you couldn’t play the dozens you was whack.

Then in my teenage/early adult years people from my area Bone Thugs, McBrainz, Brothers 4 the Struggle, Ray Cash, Ray Jr., and other local act were doing their thing. It got real serious for me but it had to have substance. They had a message. They were trying to make it out this city.

For the females there was only a few artist out that inspired me. Nonchalant, Lady Saw, Patra, Boss, Trina, Lil Kim, Latifah, Monie Love, YoYo, Mc Lyte, Rage, Remy Ma, Rah Digga were just a few of my faves. I like the strong but direct lyricists. I don’t want to seem partial in this post but what the hell.

See this post is about the beef between two artist that are claiming a spot. There isn’t a lot of female rappers in the industry who are getting much attention these days. All people can say is come together. Nah, let’s do like the guys do. A beef on wax always shows who is the strongest lyricists. Bars have nothing to do with sales or the truth. Have you ever watched the rap battles that go on? Some of the people don’t know each other. They just spitting. It just has to make sense and be off the top. By the way “off the top” can also be something you just jotted down in the notes on your phone as well.

I’m definitely not gonna lie and say i listen to Nicki Minaj music. I love her songs like Right Thru Me, Your love, Moment for life, Bed of lies…. as you notice they are mostly the ones she showed her singing range. As you notice these are not songs that contained features. That is what I like about her. I feel like she got too cartoonish and animated and lost me. Yeah the kids like all that shit… so i leave that to them. She could be marketed better and all the features can be toned down. I would like to see her carry a whole album alone. Her beef with Lil Kim annoyed me because truthfully she adapted her whole persona. Kim had reason to be mad.

Now for Remy I was a fan from the begin because of her strong stance and she came out with the backing of her peers. They didn’t carry her. From Lean Back, to There’s something about Remy she has been consistent. Even while incarcerated for 6 years she still was dropping bars. Legit bars. She managed to keep her name out of people mouths. She came out the jail swinging and hustling. She’s smart to me. Jumped on reality tv which is popping right now and that helped her get back on the map in my opinion. She has the ability to stand on her own and she has a dope lyricist for a husband.

This beef came from a pit bull being poked…subliminally. Face it folks people in the industry talk. Everyone doesn’t like you. Some folks get close to you to dig up dirt. Lots of people I know hate how Nicki treated her ex fiance and producer. She threw him away like a wet napkin after he supported her and her music. She attacks whoever threatens her success. Safaree, Miley, Remy, Kim, Mariah, and now Meek. I haven’t heard anything from her in the last 3-4 years that i would buy with my money.

I’m kinda worried about our youth who don’t truly know what hip hop/rap is supposed to be. This is great for the culture. I’m all for the women need to speak more positive about each other. A little healthy competition never hurt anybody though. I haven’t heard a diss track like that since Lil Kim did Black Friday. I hope I’m not coming off like i hate Nicki Minaj. I just am not a fan of her music. I like how years ago album sales were calculated by people going into the store and buying a cd. These Apple/Tidal downloads can’t be accurate. When people use that analysis that someone is better because of album sales I think of Milli Vanilli (insert Titimoji here. They lip synched to fame. A true artist can come off top in a blink.

I hope the folks who know me understand my stance and that i feel folks are not taken into account that there isn’t enough female mc’s getting enough attention, if these two can break the internet with a beef that can  make them both a lot of money  from each others fans. Nicki i hope you bounce back from that verbal ass whooping. It wasn’t cute but it was necessary for the culture. I will not go back and forth with anyone my kids age about this. Different time and different focus when it comes to music for me. I stick to what sounds good lyrically. I don’t believe in following the crowd. I’m not gonna even say nothing about Foxy Brown getting in the mix… i just can’t with her.

I hope everyone who is shouting #TeamNicky or #TeamRemy went and bought their latest albums. Thats how you show support. Stay off folks pages who don’t care for your favorite disrespecting them for a person who doesn’t even know you and probably wouldn’t approve. As long-winded as this was i feel better. I was gonna post the lyrics but go to this link and Shether -Remy Ma and buy it.

To hear what Remy may have been responding to click this link Make Love – Nicki Minaj ft Gucci and buy it.

We all have our opinions and this is mine. Please feel free to keep scrolling or leave your thoughts below.

-Budda

What’s Beef?

Beef to have a grudge or start one with another person. So i just wanted to add my opinion on this rap beef between these two queens.Its so many people who really truly have no idea what hip hop is really based on.

What’s Beef?

to have a grudge or start one with another person.

So i just wanted to add my opinion on this rap beef between these two queens.Its so many people who really truly have no idea what hip hop is really based on. In my 40 years I’ve seen the rise and fall of hip hop so much that i’ve stopped listening to anything but 80’s-maybe late 90’s rap music.

Back when I was younger we were not allowed to listen to any music that couldn’t be played on the radio. So we missed it unless we were somewhere else outside the house or the D boys was driving past bumping it. I come from a time when if you couldn’t play the dozens you was whack.

Then in my teenage/early adult years people from my area Bone Thugs, McBrainz, Brothers 4 the Struggle, Ray Cash, Ray Jr., and other local act were doing their thing. It got real serious for me but it had to have substance. They had a message. They were trying to make it out this city.

For the females there was only a few artist out that inspired me. Nonchalant, Lady Saw, Patra, Boss, Trina, Lil Kim, Latifah, Monie Love, YoYo, Mc Lyte, Rage, Remy Ma, Rah Digga were just a few of my faves. I like the strong but direct lyricists. I don’t want to seem partial in this post but what the hell.

See this post is about the beef between two artist that are claiming a spot. There isn’t a lot of female rappers in the industry who are getting much attention these days. All people can say is come together. Nah, let’s do like the guys do. A beef on wax always shows who is the strongest lyricists. Bars have nothing to do with sales or the truth. Have you ever watched the rap battles that go on? Some of the people don’t know each other. They just spitting. It just has to make sense and be off the top. By the way “off the top” can also be something you just jotted down in the notes on your phone as well.

I’m definitely not gonna lie and say i listen to Nicki Minaj music. I love her songs like Right Thru Me, Your love, Moment for life, Bed of lies…. as you notice they are mostly the ones she showed her singing range. As you notice these are not songs that contained features. That is what I like about her. I feel like she got too cartoonish and animated and lost me. Yeah the kids like all that shit… so i leave that to them. She could be marketed better and all the features can be toned down. I would like to see her carry a whole album alone. Her beef with Lil Kim annoyed me because truthfully she adapted her whole persona. Kim had reason to be mad.

Now for Remy I was a fan from the begin because of her strong stance and she came out with the backing of her peers. They didn’t carry her. From Lean Back, to There’s something about Remy she has been consistent. Even while incarcerated for 6 years she still was dropping bars. Legit bars. She managed to keep her name out of people mouths. She came out the jail swinging and hustling. She’s smart to me. Jumped on reality tv which is popping right now and that helped her get back on the map in my opinion. She has the ability to stand on her own and she has a dope lyricist for a husband.

This beef came from a pit bull being poked…subliminally. Face it folks people in the industry talk. Everyone doesn’t like you. Some folks get close to you to dig up dirt. Lots of people I know hate how Nicki treated her ex fiance and producer. She threw him away like a wet napkin after he supported her and her music. She attacks whoever threatens her success. Safaree, Miley, Remy, Kim, Mariah, and now Meek. I haven’t heard anything from her in the last 3-4 years that i would buy with my money.

I’m kinda worried about our youth who don’t truly know what hip hop/rap is supposed to be. This is great for the culture. I’m all for the women need to speak more positive about each other. A little healthy competition never hurt anybody though. I haven’t heard a diss track like that since Lil Kim did Black Friday. I hope I’m not coming off like i hate Nicki Minaj. I just am not a fan of her music. I like how years ago album sales were calculated by people going into the store and buying a cd. These Apple/Tidal downloads can’t be accurate. When people use that analysis that someone is better because of album sales I think of Milli Vanilli (insert Titimoji here. They lip synched to fame. A true artist can come off top in a blink.

I hope the folks who know me understand my stance and that i feel folks are not taken into account that there isn’t enough female mc’s getting enough attention, if these two can break the internet with a beef that can  make them both a lot of money  from each others fans. Nicki i hope you bounce back from that verbal ass whooping. It wasn’t cute but it was necessary for the culture. I will not go back and forth with anyone my kids age about this. Different time and different focus when it comes to music for me. I stick to what sounds good lyrically. I don’t believe in following the crowd. I’m not gonna even say nothing about Foxy Brown getting in the mix… i just can’t with her.

I hope everyone who is shouting #TeamNicky or #TeamRemy went and bought their latest albums. Thats how you show support. Stay off folks pages who don’t care for your favorite disrespecting them for a person who doesn’t even know you and probably wouldn’t approve. As long-winded as this was i feel better. I was gonna post the lyrics but go to this link and Shether -Remy Ma and buy it.

To hear what Remy may have been responding to click this link Make Love – Nicki Minaj ft Gucci and buy it.

We all have our opinions and this is mine. Please feel free to keep scrolling or leave your thoughts below.

-Budda