What I learned from 2017

1. My fear of failure kept me from moving forward with my career, my projects, and my financial security.

2. My children are a reflection of me. I’m not messed up. My dreams for my children may not be their dreams. I don’t watch how other people “parent” their children. College, career, love life, belongs to them. I have their back regardless. My love is unconditional.

3. It’s time to move. Smaller space and less aggravation. I have to shake this bad energy of this house off. Lots of bad memories.

4. My extended family will never understand my immediate families struggle. They will never understand what our pain looks like. Our connection seems forced. People have favorites. I don’t see them as necessities in my life. I realize I was never meant to fit. I will deal with those who deal with me.

5. Love is meant to heal. I am determined to love me first. I am hopeful to find that person who is all in. Willing to help me heal thise old wounds. God will send that one. I believe it. I don’t want no part time love.

6. I am not that friend who will watch you fuck up. I will excuse myself. I will not allow you to use my pain and my secrets for your entertainment. I won’t be nice and i don’t trust everyone. Once I’ve crossed you off thats it.

7. A man or woman with no vision for his or her future will not be successful. Surround yourself with a team of people who will tell you the truth about your business. I will not support any half ass put together business or event.

8. I have a beautiful spirit. I reached out to more people this year via mail to spread some love. No inbox, no instant message, no facetime. Real store bought card and heart felt words. I vowed this year to make other people feel loved. I didn’t feel like i got all the love back but i know who truly appreciates me.

9. I have to let go of a big hurt. I think its blocking my writing. Heart break isn’t just in relationships. This year will be a year of forgiveness. Thanks to my girl Katrina and my Pastor for the constant reminder.

10. God meant for me to go through all these storms over the last 5-10 years. I was not listening. I get it now…time to push forward.

S/N: PEOPLE FEAR WHAT THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND. TRY TO BE MORE UNDERSTANDING OR MOVE AROUND.

Blinders : Hindsight

People live with so many secrets and so much shame it can cause them to feel alone and unwanted. Like this world is a horrible place for many. We will never understand everything about each other. One thing i will continue to do is try my best to research things i dont completely understand.

i’ve learned a lot of things about people by observation. I see how they interact with the people who agree with them and also those who challenge their way of thinking. It’s interesting. One thing God has gave us is the gift of thinking for ourselves. I feel really bad when I see other people play themselves but i stay neutral cause we know how shit backfires on the person who was just trying to help.

I was sitting there looking at pictures that one of my half siblings posted about our dad. She described him as this superman. He was the best at this and that and so on and so forth. One thing i really wish this man did was spread that love to me and my sister. I can never see him as she does. I respect that she is just going by what she was raised by. On the other hand wouldn’t you wonder what your older siblings did to not get the same love and attention. Didnt they need the same thing you got? I  guess ill never know since she hasnt reached out. She is now a mother herself and she will hopefully never experience anything i have had to go through.

That issue with my dad will rest in the arms of the creator unless he approaches me to discuss it. Doesn’t do me any good to hold on to those questions. I’m 40 and half my life is over. I will have 2 adult children next year. They know their dads. They know i did my best to stay cordial with both of them. Never kept them away and never caused any trouble. I learned that from my mother. Never interfere in those relationships…so i know she didn’t keep us from him. He wasn’t interested. I judge people by their actions.

I just couldn’t keep that thought from my head today. How could you not want to know more? They dont reach out and they don’t acknowledge we are kin. It’s laughable. One day she may need her big sister… who knows. I won’t hold my breath. Wish it wasnt so many broken ties on both sides of my family but oh well. I see it for what it is… blinders off.

Thanks for reading and dont forget to like or comment. I would love to hear your views.

Budda

Love is eternal…

I used to think that once you fell in love with someone it was destined to be forever. I learned shortly after I had my son that wasnt true. I had the reality check of my life in the year 1997. Pregnant, living with my ailing grandmother and uncle,(had a high risk pregnancy couldn’t live alone) and working at least 12-16 hours a week. I thought it was gonna be the glue that brought me and the dad back together…. nope.

I had the best intentions of making sure my son had an upbringing that centered on respect for himself and others. That if he falls in love just know he doesn’t own that love. I reminded him to keep his hands to himself no matter the case unless his life is threatened by a weapon. I also told him karma is a bitch and treat the one you love like God would. I think he gets it….he is on year 2 of his relationship and they live together no kids…

Love is often mistaken as lust.  I’ve loved a few but lusted after many. Sometimes I just wanted my “back stretched out “. I need the foot rubs and quiet conversations about life. I want someone who just wants to live to make me and themselves happy. Don’t fall for my sweet spot first… fall for me.

Bad choices in my past lead me to believe that someone will lead you on until they get what they need from you and then bounce. They played their part though…gotta give em that. I don’t thing we ever lose that passion for a person depending on how things ended. I can turn it off and on to protect myself.

Love is confusing. I started this out trying to phase myself  out of believing I got led on to have a relationship and it end up being me, my son, and I. That man said he loved me but he was no good for me. I guess he was right. He gave me a great gift that keeps in giving. My big baby boy who is nothing like him. That’s the eternal love i share with him.

 

I’m done rambling. If you made it this far thank you!

 

falling apart

Some days i don’t know how i keep my head up. I sometimes have a fear that one day someone will try to bring me down for not falling into their trap. I STILL have a substantial amount of hate towards a person who was in my life for continuing on in their life after they placed a clock on mine. No apology given. If you have a choice to run from a bad vibe do just that. Don’t look back and don’t be afraid to be alone. I felt like i was being taken for a ride by everyone. I have managed to hold my head high for so long….im allowed to let  my head to droop every now and then.

Acts of love

Love is a fickle thing… I’m not just talking about between a man & woman. See we humans tend to think the execution of love is just physical. No it’s beyond that.

Unconditional love

Now when you are a baby your parents gave you unconditional love. You were small, innocent and could do no wrong. That’s  the love God intended to happen when he blesses you to carry one of his children. Oh yes, we are all God’s children. You grow into a young man or woman and you tend to try your parents love (and nerves) and always remember the things you do will never dilute that love.

Puppy Love

You get in your teens and hormones start to get worked up and you discover puppy love. Now some depending on their level of maturity tend to dive into another love before they should and have to reap what they sow (teen pregnancy, STD’s). Some it’s just a little crush on a schoolmate. That’s that innocent kinda of love.

Sexual Healing

So this kind of love comes out of growing into your own. People move past the puppy love when they hit the adult age and start to experience that love that only gets satisfied by sex. Some folk don’t desire a title or attachment they just want to get their feet wet. This is usually from those who may have experienced heart-break early and just don’t want to be in a relationship. Some it’s out of convenience.

Tainted love

This love is the love that shouldn’t be. This is that shared loved. When a man or woman choses to have a relationship with someone who is already involved in another situation. It’s tainted because someone will be hurt at the end of this story. It’s a kind of love that will cause feelings to be misread and ultimately people’s lives torn apart.

Lustful love 

This the love I want to define as when you are lusting after someone who has shown they don’t have good intentions for you. This person will play on the love you have for them to get what they want. Whether its sex, money, a place to stay, and so on and so forth. Again one of the people involved knows they don’t love that person. Just what they do for them.

Goodbye love 

This love is the one that grabs me. When you know the relationship is going nowhere. The love is there but everything else doesn’t line up correctly. Two people in love going in two different directions and won’t let go. You hang on just a little while longer hoping things can be pieced together. You can feel the love but this love may have been a reason, season, or lesson kind of love. It’s that I will always love you but spread your wings kind of love. If it’s meant to be it will.

Deceptive love

This one is personal to me. I call it deceptive love because the love is there, the mutual respect and quality time is put in but one of the parties is double dipping. The party is doing something on the side and decides I don’t want to choose right now so I’m going to keep them both (without them knowing). Then you slowly detach away from one of the parties by causing friction out of nowhere. Poof you disappear. No call no return text just gone. The deceived party just happens on a picture of the deceiver… getting married ( Vesta Williams song type shit). Your love was mishandled with deception. Causes the person to question why not me? Truth is, you are not responsible for that person’s deception. They are. They will reap what they sowed.

last one…

Forever Love

That love that has been through any and every up and down and still remains rock solid. That impenetrable love. Fuss, fight, lose, win never shakes loose. This love is covered in God. These persons know what they have with each other and how bad it would feel to be without. It stands the test of time day in and out and these people show each other love without limitations and judgement. This love grows old together. Raises children or pets together. Make decisions together. To me that’s a forever love.

 

Thank you for reading my thoughts….

one love,

Budda

Credit 

Sometimes i feel as though when people are used to you being a stand up person they forget to say thank you. They neglect to remember once upon a time they needed something and you didnt blink you just looked out for them. I never do anything for applause but i would be lying if i didnt say I didn’t eat sime type of acknowledgement.  That goes for my family,  friends, my children, their father’s…

View On WordPress

Credit 

Sometimes i feel as though when people are used to you being a stand up person they forget to say thank you. They neglect to remember once upon a time they needed something and you didnt blink you just looked out for them. I never do anything for applause but i would be lying if i didnt say I didn’t eat sime type of acknowledgement.  That goes for my family,  friends, my children, their father’s and even my job. I feel shorted. 

I feel like not pouring out another favor. I feel like ignoring phone calls.  I feel like shrugging my shoulders and walking away. Unfortunately my conscience would worry me to death. My heart won’t let me watch people struggle. 

I’m sure some folks can relate to being taken for granted and even taken tonthe bank. My advice to you (and me) save something for you. It’s okay to say no or i dont have it. Don’t apologize and don’t let anyone clown you for how you feel. 
Thanks for reading .

No happy holiday’s.. Dear mama

I wrote the post below in my women’s group but this transparent moment needs a bigger platform. Please note I am a mother but it’s so hard to celebrate the day without my mom being alive. It’s been some time but it doesn’t get easier. Read and comment below if you can relate.

20130906_200940

i’m one of the folks who can look at a picture and remember exactly where i was and what state i was in. This picture was snapped by my daughter while we were at the hospice visiting my mother who at this point was in full transition. She wasn’t talking anymore, she wasn’t eating. She made eye contact from time to time and came too at the craziest moments. It was my turn to spend the night with her (we rotated). I just wanted to tell her something that I was going through at the time but how dare i do that to her when she is dying. I told her I wish I did more… She said “you have done everything i have ever asked you to do and i’m proud of you, now take care of you” I swear she never said another word and I had to tell her thank you for being my mom. I stood out there by the water and just asked God to take her pain away…My mother died 9/12/13 at 56. She was a very strong woman. To see her helpless and defeated did something to me. I try to make sure my kids don’t witness that from me. It’s very hard. I have my issues and ailments but I just keep on going like my mom did. See this thing called cancer snatched the wind from her not all the other shit like divorce, single parenting, homelessness, domestic violence, and so on. Yet her presence is felt because she left her mark on everyone she touched.

i know this is long winded but it was on my heart. Even with the tears streaming down my face I don’t look for pity, I just want those who still have a mom on this Earth to know this has to be the hardest hurdle i’ve had to deal with. My hero is not here. My confidant is not here physically. She is always near to my heart and my thoughts. Cherish your mom and yourself. Blessings.

 

No Happy Mother’s Day without her…

I wrote the post below in my women’s group but this transparent moment needs a bigger platform. Please note I am a mother but it’s so hard to celebrate the day without my mom being alive. It’s been some time but it doesn’t get easier. Read and comment below if you can relate.

20130906_200940

i’m one of the folks who can look at a picture and remember exactly where i was and what state i was in. This picture was snapped by my daughter while we were at the hospice visiting my mother who at this point was in full transition. She wasn’t talking anymore, she wasn’t eating. She made eye contact from time to time and came too at the craziest moments. It was my turn to spend the night with her (we rotated). I just wanted to tell her something that I was going through at the time but how dare i do that to her when she is dying. I told her I wish I did more… She said “you have done everything i have ever asked you to do and i’m proud of you, now take care of you” I swear she never said another word and I had to tell her thank you for being my mom. I stood out there by the water and just asked God to take her pain away…My mother died 9/12/13 at 56. She was a very strong woman. To see her helpless and defeated did something to me. I try to make sure my kids don’t witness that from me. It’s very hard. I have my issues and ailments but I just keep on going like my mom did. See this thing called cancer snatched the wind from her not all the other shit like divorce, single parenting, homelessness, domestic violence, and so on. Yet her presence is felt because she left her mark on everyone she touched.

i know this is long winded but it was on my heart. Even with the tears streaming down my face I don’t look for pity, I just want those who still have a mom on this Earth to know this has to be the hardest hurdle i’ve had to deal with. My hero is not here. My confidant is not here physically. She is always near to my heart and my thoughts. Cherish your mom and yourself. Blessings.

I’m ashamed of me… oh Tyrese

I’m ashamed of me… oh Tyrese

Now I was gonna leave this alone but I guess Tyres has made it hard for people to ignore him. #Lately he has said and shown that he lacks respect for the people “mostly brown skin women” now that he has found fame and a new wife. See Tyrese is that dark-skinned fella nobody knew until he was on that bus singing for a can/bottle of Coca Cola see here: Always Coca Cola in his teenage years. Now he…

View On WordPress